I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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