First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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