I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
