You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So much rum. So many feels.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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