does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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