Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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