You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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