he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
