I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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