Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
