Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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