Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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