you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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