can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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