you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
