Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
