I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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