the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You can't special order awesome
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
