I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
