I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
