I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
