I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
