What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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