A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
