Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
