Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
