My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
