I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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