when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
