this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
