great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
