Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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