at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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