so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Found the puke drawer
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
