Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
