I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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