this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
