yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
