Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
