Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
