Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
