Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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