Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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