Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
