You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
