Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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