so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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