Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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