she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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