mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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