Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
