Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
